The Pizzle Breaks the Final Frontier: I Cooked From the Natural Harvest Cookbook

Every week on The Pizzle, I find the boundaries of culinary innovation, and then I run past those boundaries and set the entire food blogging world on fire.

I am truly a maverick when it comes to writing about food. I am also known as the world’s expert when it comes to developing recipes that cannot actually be eaten. What I’m saying is that I’m pretty much the most influential person on the face of this planet. As you all can see, I have become drunk with power! But every now and then, someone comes along to challenge the lonely throne I sit upon. They want to punch me in my weird round chipmunk-looking face and pull me down from these lofty heights.

Today, that challenger is someone named Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer.

A while back, my friend Yvo came to stay with me, and because she is very sweet, she sent me a nice gift package afterwards. One of the gifts she sent me is essentially the greatest cookbook ever written. Now, you may think the greatest cookbook ever written is Cooking With Poo, but you are wrong.

Behold.

This is the greatest cookbook ever written. It is called Natural Harvest: A collection of semen-based recipes. Now, there are only a few things I swore I would never do when it came to food on The Pizzle. One of them was to avoid cooking with baby batter, especially my own.

For some reason, I am not comfortable with this idea. I am, however, okay with eating meals entirely made out of penises, which ostensibly already have loads of jizz in them. Why is eating other animal spermies okay, when I am not all right with enjoying the taste of my own medicine? Your mother swears by mine and says it is the fountain of youth to her, which explains a lot, but she certainly has not aged too well, so I am not entirely convinced.

So I sat down in the middle of traffic and said, “Dannis Ree, you claim to be the greatest food writer of all time, although you generally are a loser that sometimes smells like bread and butter pickles. If you are so amazing, why won’t you eat your own semen?”

My eyes narrowed. It finally had to be done.

Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer has kindly agreed to let me publish a few recipes as long as I am respectful to his art.

I emailed him and everything! He is a very nice person, and is very excited about semen. His website is called Cooking With Cum. If you think I am kidding, I am not. It is really his website and it is not porny at all. Culinary jizz can also be tasteful and not demeaning, when handled artfully.

Using his master instructions, I tackled three recipes: Slightly Saltier Caviar, Man-Made Oysters, and Tuna Sashimi with Dipping Sauce.

I also decided to take a foray of my own, and created a dessert called “Soggy Biscuit.”

To ensure I had enough cock snot to cook with, I wanted to see if any sperm banks in the area would let me make some withdrawals from their liquid assets, you know, just in case. 

I Googled “Sperm Banks near me” to see if there were any sperm banks in my neighborhood. And apparently, there is one near me! It has a cool name. It is called “Dante’s.”

Harvey, Mr. Bee, and I, all went on a field trip to ask about possibly getting a loan from the sperm bank.

I wore my nicest outfit, which consisted of very tight jean shorts and a bow tie, and carefully held Harvey and Mr. Bee in the palm of my hand as I sauntered down the street. What’s weird is that Dante’s looks like someone’s house. I rang the doorbell and a dog barked at me from the front window. Having a dog in a sperm bank doesn’t seem sanitary to me so I decided to leave.

I went to Yelp and gave Dante’s sperm bank two stars, because all in all, it wasn’t a bad experience.

Because the trip to the sperm bank was a complete bust, I knew I would have to take matters into my own hand.

My right hand, specifically. My favorite Stormtrooper oven mitt also doubles as my favorite skeet extractor, and because it is made of silicone, it has a naturally silky feeling that doesn’t feel like loneliness.

To help boost my self-confidence, I ate this special herbal remedy given to me by your mother.

As soon as I took it, she started a four-hour timer. All she said was that if I was still going after four hours, she’d have to call the paramedics. She wouldn’t tell me why.

Since I am a man, I respond well to visual stimulation, and I picked my favorite visual aids to help myself get excited.

At this point, your mother really doesn’t do it for me like she once did. But Mel Gibson has never failed me, not once. Thanks, Mel.

After about three days straight of jerking off, I had to call emergency services to extract me from the couch with the Jaws of Life.

I had about 8 ounces of semen, along with a very tender crotch. Ever leave a hot dog on a grill for too long? That’s what I look like now.

Man-Made Oysters

Oysters are so beautiful, it is a shame to throw away the shells after just one meal. Re-savor the feeling of a silky succulent oyster slipping down your throat by using the shells as semen serving dishes.

• Cleaned Oyster Shells
• Chilled Fresh Semen, the More the Better
• Ice
• Lemon and Pepper Garnish

First clean the oyster shells in cold water. Do not use soap since the shell easily absorbs the nasty taste of soap. Spoon the chilled fresh semen into each shell. Serve simply on ice with just a squeeze of fresh lemon and maybe a grind of black pepper.

Chef’s note: A true semen connoisseur might forego the lemon and pepper in favor of the non-adulterated semen flavor.

This is the actual recipe. There’s really not much to it. Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer is truly a chef that respects his ingredients by not messing with them too much.

Really, there isn’t any work to preparing this dish other than washing and shucking the oysters.

Shucking oysters is not easy. I don’t have a shucking knife, so when I do get oysters, I usually use a small flathead screwdriver which actually seems to do the trick.

That bivalve put up quite a fight!

I always laugh at oysters. They look like vaginas. This is a very good post.

I guess this is it!

I topped those suckas off with as much of my man milk as the shells would fit. I have to say, I certainly had my doubts about trying my own fapple juice, but since the culinary cross I bear is so heavy, I had to do what I had to do.

How were they?

Ever swallow an oxidized penny with a shot of seawater when you were a kid? No? Just me? That’s basically what these tasted like. Pennies and briny seawater. I didn’t even bother with the lemon. Self-love doesn’t need additional flavor. After I tried these I realized that the recipe actually stated to use empty oyster shells and not whole oysters, kind of like a oyster-less oyster shooter, but turns out this is a great pairing anyway.

Slightly Saltier Caviar

Like semen, caviar is often considered an acquired taste. If you have not yet learned to appreciate caviar on its own, this decadent combination of semen and caviar will leave your mouth begging for more.

• 1 3/4 oz. (50g) Tin of the Finest Caviar You Can Afford
• 1 Tablespoon of Fresh Semen

Simply open the tin of caviar and very gently (so that the eggs don’t break) stir in the semen.

Caviar should be spooned carefully on lightly toasted bread or directly into the mouth. When serving and eating caviar, avoid using utensils made of silver because this will impart a metallic taste. Serve on ice for maximum freshness.

Use only a high-grade caviar and high quality semen. Serve the dish pure, without any lemon or garnishes like chopped egg, onion or sour cream.

While Fotie suggests you purchase the best caviar you can afford, I decided that I should be financially responsible and spring for delicious, yet affordable, masago. Masago is the roe, or eggs, of the capelin. The eggs are very small and have a great pop to them — you’ll often see them at sushi restaurants as a garnish to maki rolls. The container I purchased was $6.

This is an action shot of semen being poured onto fish eggs.

You could even call it a “money shot!” Wow, I’m a great writer.

Overall, it’s a pretty unceremonious recipe, considering the sheer amount of violence it took for me to harvest my swimmers.

For a minute I imagined being a father to thousands of human-fish babies as I watched my jizz intermingle with the fish eggs. I would be like the Genghis Khan of an interspecies society. But the issue is, I ate all the babies. They would never see their lives ahead of them, in this world full of wonder, beauty, and hope. I would make a terrible father. A good father doesn’t eat his babies.

This human/fish abomination tastes like salty mermaid hair conditioner. It’s like Herbal Essences of the sea. Harvey and Mr. Bee actually passed out after I ate the entire little serving bowl’s worth using only my fingers. Your mother licked the rest clean. I think she has a problem.

Tuna Sashimi With Dipping Sauce

Sashimi is raw fish served only with a dipping sauce. It is a good example of the subtlety in the Japanese kitchen. The delicate fish and the spicy sauce make a great appetizer. Fresh tuna and fresh semen are a splendid food combination.

• Fresh Tuna
• 1/4 Cup Soy Sauce
• 1/2 Cup Peanut Oil
• 2 Tablespoons Sesame Oil
• 1 Tablespoon Grated Garlic
• 1 Tablespoon Grated Ginger
• 1 Tablespoon Semen

Slice the tuna very thin and set aside. Whisk together remaining ingredients. Serve the tuna with the dipping sauce Garnish with some simple greens and pickled ginger. For more semen flavor, omit the garlic and ginger.

“For more semen flavor, omit the garlic and ginger.” Culinary poetry at its best.

I grated both the garlic and the ginger as instructed, using a microplane.

I’d like to take some time to discuss how wonderful ginger is, as both a spice, as well as a medicine. It is very good for you and can settle your stomach when you are feeling nauseous, like right now, while you’re reading this post. But it is also the main tool in a really cool act called “figging.”

I have a feeling that none of you would believe what figging is even if I told you under oath. So seriously, read the Wikipedia article. I’ll link to it one more time. It has nothing to do with actual figs.

Unlike the other recipes, Fotie calls for you to incorporate the nut butter directly into the dipping sauce.

In this case, the man milkshake adds a delicate complement to the assertive flavors of soy sauce, garlic, ginger, and sesame oil. It isn’t a garnish or the main ingredient. This is about balance within chaos, one of many, a single note in a harmonious chord. Namaste.

This sauce doesn’t incorporate well, unfortunately, and is more like a broken vinaigrette than it is a smooth sauce.

Turns out man jazz really isn’t an emulsifier like I’d imagined. But that’s okay. We’ll all die horrible deaths someday, and that’s all that really counts.

I thought that there wasn’t nearly enough semen, so I blanketed the tuna with it.

Scrumptious. Absolutely scrumptious. It’s just so scrumptious. Tuna is a delicate fish with a naturally metallic taste to it, and the additional chlorinated flavor of splooge is really what I’d describe as a “catastrophically fatal explosion at the gas factory in Flavortown.” At this point, I was becoming addicted to the taste, and I just couldn’t get enough.

Guys, I think I’m falling in love. With myself.

Finally, for my own addition to the pantheon of ejaculate recipes, I created a recipe of my own, called “Soggy Biscuit.”

I’m not much of a baker, to be honest, so rather than create my own disappointing cookie recipe, I decided just to use a stupid-looking package of dough I found at the store. I mean, even Toll House is jumping in on the salted caramel game. And what the fuck is a “Cookie of the Year?” It’s only April!

The cookie dough comes pre-scored in a giant block that you’re supposed to tear apart into little ones.

I thought I ruined them because the salted caramel center kept spilling out like melted taffy, but I guess that is how they’re supposed to be.

I decided to make one giant cookie too.

This is the cookie I used for Soggy Biscuit. Now, for those of you don’t know, soggy biscuit is a legendary schoolyard game played mainly in Britain. I call it legendary because nobody has ever actually witnessed this game in person. Some people also call this game “ookie cookie.”

The rules are really quite simple. In this game, a bunch of dudes wank in a circle onto a cookie. Whoever finishes last has to eat the cookie. I am still not sure if that person ends up being the loser or the winner.

Where do people come up with this behavior? Every time I lose faith in humanity I think about this pastry bukkake game and suddenly I feel okay about myself.

In the spirit of Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, I simply decided to dress the cookie up with a massive jizz blossom. 

The dark cookie with the white secretion creates a very striking contrast. Some artists would call this aesthetically pleasing. It’s also orally pleasing as well. The saltiness of the groin gravy really works wonders with the complex notes of chocolate, and turns out caramel is a great foil to the massive wad of penis paste on top of the cookie.

So with that, I’d like to tip my fedora to Paul “Fotie” Photenhauer, and to thank him for being a true pioneer in a world where innovation in food is now slim. We need you more than ever, Fotie. Be sure to check out his follow-up book, Semenology, which is all about cocktails.

The best thing about heading into April is knowing that spring is coming soon, just like I’ll be, all over your mother’s face.

Happy April 1st, everyone!