People often say, “Dannis, you should really think about opening a restaurant or bar.” My response is always this: “No way, assbag.” While I am generally stupid, I am smart enough to know that I would probably run a business into the ground in less than five minutes. Then people will know me as being a failure not only in… Read more →
Fast food companies are taking a huge dump right now. McDonald’s is closing a bunch of restaurants because they can’t keep up with places like Chipotle. Chipotle tacos and burritos are more expensive than a Big Mac, but this goes to show that people would prefer eating a little better (I say “little” because Chipotle burritos are still like 29348823 calories) rather… Read more →
I got a job! Just kidding, I haven’t gotten a job yet. I’m too happy waking up late every day, taking long walks, playing video games, and piledriving your mother in bed. Three sentences in and I’m already cracking yo’ momma (that’s the urban spelling of “your mother”) jokes; I think that’s a new Pizzle record. But seriously, she’s a… Read more →
Lots of people say Twitter is a very silly waste of time and that people only say stupid things on it. But sometimes you can find some true gems of wisdom like this one from my favorite ex-convict, Martha Stewart. OMG. The head of the blue whale the largest animal that ever lived — Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 22, 2013… Read more →
I’m now in my second week of unemployment, and so far, it has mainly consisted of me parading around the apartment naked, holding my cat Cricket high above my head while singing The Circle of Life at the top of my lungs. My neighbors have only complained to the police six times so far, so I call it a success. I… Read more →
Today is my first day of unemployment after my position was eliminated at work. It sucks because I actually loved that job — I got to write about food all day. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me, so I’m going to bend over and cheerfully take it until I am employed again. In… Read more →
For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a… Read more →
As you all know, I believe that Taco Bell is one of the greatest restaurants on earth. Last November, I did a very interesting experiment where I sous-vided a bunch of Taco Bell dishes for 48 hours. It was a very strange and ill-advised experiment. You can re-read that here. And even before that, I ate every single breakfast item… Read more →
As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →
The seasons are changing slowly here in Chicago, and when that happens, lots of people I know get bad allergies. Sometimes my allergies turn into a full-on sinus infection which transforms into a sore throat and cough. I got over mine a few weeks back, but now Harvey is not feeling well. He is coughing a lot, and even though he… Read more →
Chicago has lots of cool food festivals every year. There’s the Food Film Festival, where you get to watch short films about food and eat what’s on screen, Chicago Gourmet, which is strictly for rich people, and then there’s Baconfest. I can already hear some of you complaining like little clowns, saying, “Dannis, people put bacon on everything. When is… Read more →
Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →
I like to watch television shows about food. In fact, many of you might be surprised — I originally got a lot of my real culinary knowledge from watching television. Now that food television has turned into dumb cooking competitions where people cook three-course meals while running around backwards and naked through a grocery store while blindfolded and maimed, I’ve… Read more →
As you know, food is an integral part of a healthy lifestyle. But did you know you can use food in healthy ways for things other than eating? For example, many people put round slices of cucumber on their eyes to decrease puffiness. Other people use olive oil in their hair to make it shinier and more delicious. But one… Read more →
A thing that most of you may not know is why my blog is called The Pizzle. While “pizzle” is a fun word to say, it is also a culinary delight. The word “pizzle” is actually the term to describe the penis of an animal. Apparently, according to this Wikipedia article, the term “pizzle” is most commonly used in Australia and New… Read more →
Ever since I juiced sausage with a hand press for The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, I’ve been fascinated with the idea of juicing. The result for the Bloody Mary was excellent, and I got a nice beautiful sip of sausage juice out of an Italian sausage. Who knew I would love drinking sausage juice so much? You guys… Read more →
Last week, my friend Melissa showed me a picture of a cooking device called the Rollie® Eggmaster Vertical Grill. It’s one of those “As Seen on TV” products. Basically, it’s designed to cook eggs in a tubular form for an easy on-the-go egg eating experience. Apparently eating and cooking eggs is a very difficult endeavor for many people. Plus, when you’re eating… Read more →
I was out shopping for an Easy Bake Oven one day when I stumbled upon a cookbook, called Quick & Easy Dump Cakes. It’s by a lady named Cathy Mitchell. Many friends on Facebook and on Twitter have been regularly sending me photos of this book. It says a lot about my childish adult life that at least four people thought I should… Read more →
Sometimes, we all hit rock bottom. Turns out, based off the things I’ve eaten and documented on this blog, I’ve been at the bottom for a while. For example: Let’s say you’re wandering around, drunk, after a night out on the town. All the late-night restaurants have already closed, the streets drained of all signs of life except for the occasional… Read more →
As we inch towards spring, a marvelous event occurs every year, bringing a holy creation back from the dead. It rises from the cave that it has been buried in, killed by people who claimed they loved it and needed it. With its yearly return, angels sing its praises. This story may sound familiar to many of you. And as it… Read more →
First of all, Happy Valentine’s Day! And to me, and all y’all single people — I wish you a wonderful self-loving day of loneliness. So Fappy Valentine’s Day to you, good single people of planet Earth. Know you’re not alone. Here’s a video I made one year ago to celebrate my loneliness on Valentine’s Day. I swear, I’m working on… Read more →
Call me a sap, but I have a soft spot for Valentine’s Day. Before everyone goes into a tirade about how Valentine’s Day is some bullshit made-up holiday by Hallmark and card companies, it’s really an ancient holiday. The romantic part started during the High Middle Ages, supposedly having something to do with Geoffrey Chaucer. But right now none of… Read more →
My awesome coworker Alicia recently sent me a link about Purina Fancy Feast on Eater. You can read the fun stuff here. Apparently, Fancy Feast is Top Chef: All Stars Richard Blais’ favorite cat food, because he endorses it. Nothing screams Top Chef like cat food, which is food that (most) humans don’t even eat. And of course, I suddenly got struck by… Read more →
I’ve mentioned it before, but I don’t generally watch much football. You may not believe me because my last recipe was The Chicago Italian Beef Combo Bloody Mary, aka Coach Juice, which is simply a dumb coincidence. But, every year, I do go to Superbowl parties because if I don’t, I’ll spend that Sunday as I do most Sundays, which… Read more →
I saw Mike Ditka in person once. Years ago, my mom and I were in the car together, running errands. On our way back home, we were sitting behind a bunch of people at a stop sign, stuck for no apparent reason. The guy way ahead of us was trying to turn left at a no-left-turn intersection, and he was blocking traffic.… Read more →
Medieval Times Dinner and Tournament is basically the greatest place on earth. It’s dinner theater (how much of this luxury even exists anymore?), with medieval-style games, including jousts, swordfights, horse dancing, and more. I’d been shouting at the castle every time I’d driven by it on the highway. It was finally time to visit as an adult. I’d been when I… Read more →
I’ve been sick, so I haven’t had time to create mischief this week. My appetite has finally come back. But I still have plenty of food-related stories and advice to share, so stick with me. I’m going to start with a disclaimer: This story is gross. Real gross. It involves butt stuff. But there is a purpose to it, because… Read more →
Happy New Year, bitches! Welcome to 2015. Let’s hope it’s a little better than 2014. The first post I have on tap is twofold, with items totally unrelated to each other, but both fall into the category I like to call, “What the fuck?” One: White Castle is now offering veggie burgers. What the fuck? Two: Coca-Cola is launching a milk… Read more →
People like to make fun of Spam, because it’s a strange product. I mean, you know. It’s mashed up, gelatinized, and highly processed pork that comes in a can. You know, your typical culinary delight. But in South Korea, where my family is from, Spam is a highly prized gift during the holidays. A lot of Western folk think that’s strange. And… Read more →
As you guys have probably figured out by now, I’m fascinated by processed and preserved food. There’s something about the idea of food being edible for insane periods of time that is interesting to me. It’s like…zombie food, food that’s still alive after it should be dead. And I’m not necessarily talking about shelf-stable junk food like boring old crackers, either.… Read more →