Does Pizza Hut’s Hot Dog-Stuffed Crust Pizza Taste as Dumb as it Looks?

Fast food companies are taking a huge dump right now.

McDonald’s is closing a bunch of restaurants because they can’t keep up with places like Chipotle. Chipotle tacos and burritos are more expensive than a Big Mac, but this goes to show that people would prefer eating a little better (I say “little” because Chipotle burritos are still like 29348823 calories) rather than to feel like they’re dying after lunch.

In order to combat declining sales, many fast food restaurants are resorting to silly concoctions like biscuit tacos and Double Downs to sucker people into coming in. Everyone gets excited about the dumb new item, it gets on the news, and for five minutes people have a morbid curiosity and buy the frankenfood. The problem is, in most cases, the limited edition foods taste like ass. People buy these things just so they can put them up on Instagram, eat a bite, complain, then throw the food away. Then they go back to Chipotle.

Pizza Hut, after revamping its menu to be more “gourmet,” realized that its version of “gourmet” wasn’t selling. In fact, that took a huge shit too. So basically, Pizza Hut said, “fuck it, and fuck all y’all,” and released a hot dog-stuffed crust pizza. While this is a very Pizzle-like move, even I know that Pizzle-style fast food is a bad idea, mainly because my recipes are widely regarded as the opposite of food.

So why would people buy a hot dog-stuffed crust pizza? It is because people are very stupid.

I am very stupid too, so of course, the first thing I did was buy one.

Look at this thing.

This looks like a bunch of uncircumcised dongs shooting pepperoni onto a grease discus. I guess if I was going for dong-free humor, I’d also say it looks like the pizza is encircled in a bunch of hot dog grenades that explode your heart upon digestion. But really, let’s be serious, this is a hot dog version of soggy biscuit.

Upon closer inspection, the pizza looks even stupider. All of the hot dog tips peeking out from their pizza crust foreskins are uniformly burned, kind of like what you see at a European nude beach.

The rest of it looks like a regular disappointing Pizza Hut pizza. Pizza Hut has this magical skill in somehow soaking their crust with grease. I am convinced that Pizza Hut has discovered alchemy, and instead of curing cancer, they have transformed pure grease into what resembles a pizza crust, using the Dark Lord’s powers. Seriously, how can dough soak up that much oil?

I could have greased your mother up five times over with the remaining oil at the bottom of the box, but the thing is, she’s always greasy.

The pig-in-a-pizza-crust-blanket nugget is tough and chewy, and the hot dog itself is greasy and dried out at the same time. It comes with a “mustard dipping sauce” which is actually just…French’s yellow mustard. The mustard may actually be the most valuable thing in the whole box, because it’s mustard, and you can use that on a sandwich. You sure as hell aren’t going to want to eat the hot dogs.

What I recommend doing is pulling the hot dog grenades off, dipping them in mustard, and throwing them at people you don’t like. 

Or, even better, throw them at Pizza Hut’s corporate office.

I do have to say, they are regular old dried out hot dogs. They aren’t better or worse than any other hot dogs you’ve ever eaten. They just happen to be wrapped in a bad idea.

So as much as your morbid curiosity says, “Let’s do this,” just picture Dannis Ree whispering in your ear, saying, “I died for you, my child, so that you could live. Also, could I get a ride home?”