As you all know, Thanksgiving is next Thursday. Thanksgiving is basically an excuse to kill a shitload of turkeys (sorry, turkeys) and shove them in the oven, because we are assholes. Supposedly this has something to do with some jerkoffs wearing funny hats who came over to pilfer the Americas, and fill it with fast food restaurants. Whatever. Apparently any excuse… Read more →
Back in July, I wrote a post about eating a shitload of dog treats to see how they tasted. Something I’ve never told anyone is why I was at the pet store in the first place. I was mentally in a dark place (actually I’m always in a dark place, which is chained up in your mother’s basement), and I’d heard of… Read more →
This is officially the first post of The Pizzle’s second year! Thank you guys for giving a shit and sending me those nice emails. I didn’t think anyone would actually email me. You see, I wait in front of the computer and mash on the refresh button for 24 hours a day. It’s not easy staying up that long, but… Read more →
Last October, I began my first step on a great journey. You see, October 31st, 2014, was the day I started The Pizzle. And guess what? It’s been a whole year since I started this stupid website! So happy birthday to me and you. I started this site because I was very tired of serious food blogs, which are essentially a giant circle… Read more →
In case you guys didn’t know, “Sweetest Day” was last Saturday. You probably didn’t know, which is okay. Sweetest Day is horseshit. When romantic holidays like St. Valentine’s Day come around, there’s always a bunch of angry people waving their fists in the air, saying, “The goddamn card and candy manufacturers made this shit up!” You probably know a few of… Read more →
As you all know, I am fascinated with children’s food. This is probably not the best sentence to start off with in any written piece, but I am not a normal human being. I’ve baked meatloaf in an Easy Bake Oven, made panna cotta from baby formula, tasted a shitload of Lunchables, and even made empanadas from Play-Doh (and probably nearly killed… Read more →
Last weekend, I went to Door County, Wisconsin, for a beautiful outdoor wedding. It was the wedding of my friends Matt and Jessica. They are wonderful and I am very happy they got married. I went without a date as usual and was very sad because I had no one to slow dance with. Then I went outside and looked at the… Read more →
A few weeks ago, I ate dinner with my friend Joyce from Chicago Agashi, at a great Chicago restaurant called Izakaya Mita. A while back, Joyce interviewed me about losing a hot dog cookoff (which you can read about here). Losing a hot dog cookoff is pretty cool. It feels good to lose every competition you’re in, because I lose at… Read more →
Today, I am discussing one of the most important subjects in all of human history: Farts. Food writers generally avoid talking about farts, because writing about food is very serious and proper, and you cannot talk about things like penises, farts, and poo. It is simply not allowed. However, I am a hard-hitting food writer, and I tackle the real subjects nobody… Read more →
I’ve had a serious bout of writer’s block lately, which is the worst thing any writer can endure, aside from a case of raging alcoholism and herpes. And I’m already an alcoholic with herpes, so the Unholy Trinity of Writing is now complete. When I have a case of Pizzle writer’s block this bad, I usually go into stores and wander… Read more →
I often use the Internet to do research on any kind of culinary disaster I can find. Most of the time, I find that my ideas are unique; nobody’s made Jolly Rancher Jelly or the Bust-a-Nut Cocktail, but every now and then, I find that some jerkface has already done something like Pepto Bismol Ice Cream (which I thought I’d made up on my… Read more →
Today is the first day of September, and that means fall is coming. Many people start being sad right about now because the days will get shorter, the temperature will drop, and the leaves will wither and spiral their way onto the ground. Fall is a reminder that everyone will die someday. So, just remember, death is coming. For you. I,… Read more →
The other week, I created a pizza Frankenstein known as the Pizza-Flavored Pizza, where I created a pizza that was topped only with pizza-flavored ingredients. It was wonderful and stupid, just like me. But that day, I rediscovered Kraft Lunchables. My parents never bought me Lunchables when I was a kid, and I would always be jealous of the other children… Read more →
People have an obsession of making food taste like other food. This concept is very childish. It’s kind of like naming an animal after another animal. Then again, I did name my cat Cricket after that bug-like chirp she makes often. I suppose, then I too, am very childish. Some of my best friends are stuffed animals. But as you know,… Read more →
Now that we are well through the middle of summer, many people are reaping the benefits of a well-tended garden. I have friends who have an abundance of strawberries, raspberries, and plums, which is absolutely wonderful. There are few things that are better than fruit picked right off the vine. The high you get from crack cocaine smoked in an alleyway is pretty… Read more →
When you’ve been unemployed as long as I have, sometimes your mind goes to dark places. My mind went straight to your mother’s cavernous ass. Actually, it’s not dark in there at all because that barn door is always wide open, but it does smell like a cheesemonger’s shop that has just caught on fire. A thing that cheers me up is hanging… Read more →
Kenfucky, or uh, Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC), came out with a new fast food creation called The Chizza. That dumb name is already a bad sign. Can you guess what that made-up name means? That’s right, good for you, you good guesser, you. It’s a chicken pizza. Well, a chicken-crust pizza. It’s basically a fried chicken breast with pizza toppings on it,… Read more →
Now that it is summer, many people are getting married. I am in my mid-30’s and I have attended many weddings. I am very alone and do not think I will be married anytime soon. I even joined Tinder and the only person to swipe right on my picture was a very nice young lady who had horrible grammar. She gave… Read more →
Before I get started today, I would like to make an announcement: I won the Chicago Reader’s “Best Food Writer (of Your ‘Mama Jokes’)” for 2015! Yes, that really happened. Check it out here. It was a surprise to me, though the Chicago Reader did contact me a few weeks ago asking for a headshot, so I gave them this… Read more →
People often say, “Dannis, you should really think about opening a restaurant or bar.” My response is always this: “No way, assbag.” While I am generally stupid, I am smart enough to know that I would probably run a business into the ground in less than five minutes. Then people will know me as being a failure not only in… Read more →
Fast food companies are taking a huge dump right now. McDonald’s is closing a bunch of restaurants because they can’t keep up with places like Chipotle. Chipotle tacos and burritos are more expensive than a Big Mac, but this goes to show that people would prefer eating a little better (I say “little” because Chipotle burritos are still like 29348823 calories) rather… Read more →
I got a job! Just kidding, I haven’t gotten a job yet. I’m too happy waking up late every day, taking long walks, playing video games, and piledriving your mother in bed. Three sentences in and I’m already cracking yo’ momma (that’s the urban spelling of “your mother”) jokes; I think that’s a new Pizzle record. But seriously, she’s a… Read more →
Lots of people say Twitter is a very silly waste of time and that people only say stupid things on it. But sometimes you can find some true gems of wisdom like this one from my favorite ex-convict, Martha Stewart. OMG. The head of the blue whale the largest animal that ever lived — Martha Stewart (@MarthaStewart) November 22, 2013… Read more →
Today is my first day of unemployment after my position was eliminated at work. It sucks because I actually loved that job — I got to write about food all day. But this isn’t the first time something like this has happened to me, so I’m going to bend over and cheerfully take it until I am employed again. In… Read more →
For a lot of publications, food writing is often about the illusion of glamour and making readers feel like they are left out of a cool kids party. Back when I freelanced more often, I was able to go to fancy events with fancy food. I took pretty photos for pieces I wrote, and sometimes when I wanted to feel like a… Read more →
As you guys know, Mother’s Day is coming up next Sunday. If you didn’t know, this is my reminder to you. Mother’s Day is a very important day to celebrate, because mothers are important people. The reason why mothers are important is because children are assholes. You started as a little squirming human tomato that only ate, slept, cried, and took massive dumps in… Read more →
The seasons are changing slowly here in Chicago, and when that happens, lots of people I know get bad allergies. Sometimes my allergies turn into a full-on sinus infection which transforms into a sore throat and cough. I got over mine a few weeks back, but now Harvey is not feeling well. He is coughing a lot, and even though he… Read more →
Children are wonderful, because they are the future. However, children are shitty cooks. If you asked a child to cook you dinner, there is a chance you will get a peanut butter jelly sandwich that has fallen in a litterbox. The peanut butter and jelly will not be spread evenly, there will likely be a bite taken out of it, and… Read more →
I like to watch television shows about food. In fact, many of you might be surprised — I originally got a lot of my real culinary knowledge from watching television. Now that food television has turned into dumb cooking competitions where people cook three-course meals while running around backwards and naked through a grocery store while blindfolded and maimed, I’ve… Read more →
As you know, food is an integral part of a healthy lifestyle. But did you know you can use food in healthy ways for things other than eating? For example, many people put round slices of cucumber on their eyes to decrease puffiness. Other people use olive oil in their hair to make it shinier and more delicious. But one… Read more →