Best-of lists are a very silly way to end a year of writing. However, when you do anything on the Internet, you are automatically required to make lists. I have made lists on other websites like Serious Eats (fried chicken) and Thrillist (Loop Lunches), and people get excited to read them, because they are excited to tell you that you… Read more →
Happy holidays, everyone! This is the magical season of gift giving, where your loved ones buy you shit you don’t need, probably to apologize for the fact that they have been dickholes to you. In general, the best gift you can give to someone is to simply not be a dickhole, at least to their faces. The next best gift to… Read more →
As you all know, living a healthy life is very important. It is a good idea to take care of yourself, so that you can have healthy bowel movements to brag about at parties. I am obviously going to cool parties. I like to call my get-togethers “Parties of One,” since they usually involve me and your mother and she doesn’t really count.… Read more →
I know a handful of people who have been incarcerated at some point. These people made some bad decisions and paid the price…with the iron fist of the law. Now, you may imagine that I live the criminal gangster lifestyle, but those widely circulated rumors are false. I’ve only ever gotten pulled over for speeding once, but the police officer let… Read more →
When you live in Chicago, you are automatically required, by law, to talk about hot dogs every day. We talk about hot dogs all the time because we have our own style of hot dog, called “The Chicago-Style Hot Dog.” Because the word “Chicago” is in the hot dog’s name, you are also required to get angry at other people for liking different… Read more →